What do you expect?

A few years ago I read a book by the Barefoot Doctor and I remember him saying that having no expectations was the key to good relationships. This thought has remained with me over the years, making me realise the part my own expectations have played in my life and initiating a desire for personal change.

The Oxford Dictionary’s definition for the word expectation is  “A strong belief that something will happen or be the case”.

How come many of us embark on relationships with expectations of how things should be…?

We all have beliefs that are either learnt in childhood through parents, culture and society or by how we have processed and absorbed past experiences. These beliefs are very strongly entrenched and effect how we behave and react to people and situations. So when we have an expectation it is layered with beliefs about what we think is the right way to behave and interact with people.

So let’s just suppose you think your boyfriend should always say I love you, first thing, when you wake up in the morning. To you it’s the right way to start the day and reinforces your love for each other, however he doesn’t say it, so you say it first, prompting him to reply. You then feel resentful that you have to do it every morning so you either let him know and the whole thing feels forced or you don’t say a word and feel resentful.

Where does this idea of saying I love you first thing in the morning come from? Why has it become so important? Could it be your belief that it’s the right way to start the day and the expectation is that your boyfriend will know it’s the right thing to do. Is this all coming from you?

Expectations in a relationship are a reflection of our beliefs, of how we think things should be and we are disappointed when we don’t have our desires realised.

However the good news is that once the penny drops and we begin to understand the part our expectations play in our lives and take responsibility for them, things begin to shift for the better.

Next time you feel disappointed that your partner hasn’t fulfilled an expectation take a moment and ask yourself why? Why is this important to you. Where does it come from? And hardest of all… Why does it matter?

It can be useful to think about how our expectations limit and restrict the full enjoyment of our lives in the every day. What expectations do we have regarding family and friends? When was the last time you had an expectation that wasn’t met? How did it feel?

Being free from expectations in life releases you to enjoy the unexpected and allows things to flow. And who knows you may be well and truly surprised!