Ugly Duck Syndrome

I feel myself having to write. I woke up this morning with a huge (in my mind!) swollen eye. I look like I have just come out of the boxing ring with Mike Tyson. I am appalled!

Then quite suddenly looking at myself in the mirror, the floodgates opened…all my thoughts and feelings came out in a torrent….

The last time I remember feeling like this was when I had a stye when I was 12. I was pre puberty (yes, I openly admit to being a bit of a late developer) and very awkward. My feet seemed too big for my body and I was not at all convinced that I should be wearing my pre bra, bra, as my breasts were non existent, but I had insisted and my mother gave in.

To a girl who felt so awkward in her own skin the stye was the end of the world… I felt so ugly and unloveable. My friends kept saying “but you can hardly see it, it’s no big deal” but to me it was a huge deal…

I must admit to having some of those ugly duckling moments surfacing again. I do feel ugly and this makes me question why? It is such a small part of my body, it is something that will pass, it’s hardly a long term affliction, a drop in the ocean…. However earlier today, when my friend  echoed the words, “don’t worry you can hardly see it” I was 12 again. And all the pre-teen insecurities, which I had thought long gone were popping up again.

My adult self is laughing, recognising these thoughts for what they are, essentially thoughts fuelled by a sense of insecurity and a need to be loved. However my inner child was totally relating to all this, thinking right! I’m not going out, I’m going to hide under my duvet until I look like myself again (however that is!)

Being older now I feel I can no longer refer to these feelings as those of an ugly duckling but rather an ugly duck. So I have now officially labelled this as ugly duck syndrome and told myself to get a grip!