I want it and I want to do it Now!
Ever felt like you had to do something right now, immediately?
A strong impulse to react to a an emotion in that precise instant?
The classic situation is when you’ve split up from a lover and you get a sudden urge to ring them up and let them know exactly what you think of them and how they hurt you. As we know, this is always compounded when there is alcohol involved. A friend of mine once suggested that our phones should have a breathalyser which once activated, would automatically block you from calling certain numbers. This made me chuckle!
What about our own filters? Shouldn’t we be relying on them? What about checking the impulse to act when we first have it? The idea would be to have an interior dialogue with ourselves, going along the lines of… What do I hope to achieve by this action? Will it benefit me? Just by running these questions through our minds we are giving ourselves time to think.
To consider the outcome of our actions.
It might be that your boss has behaved in a way which you feel is disrespectful and it’s not the first time you’ve felt this way. Now, you could well be overcome with an overwhelming desire to burst into his office and let him know how you feel, all guns blazing. However by asking the question, what do I hope to achieve here? Puts you in the driving seat. Obviously you want your boss to become aware of how his behaviour impacts you and make a change. Now, do you think you would achieve this by bursting into his office and unleashing the full force of your feelings?
The obvious answer is No.
He would dismiss you as over emotional and possibly unstable, with any opportunity for more communication being made much more difficult. With calm consideration, a positive result can be achieved in a much more effective way. Make a note and save it for your appraisal when you have had time to prepare, and you are able to make your case in a way it will be positively received. If you don’t have an opportunity to give and receive feedback in your job, it may well be time to suggest it.
Now, in the romantic arena, the impulse to tackle your partner at the precise moment you are feeling the full wave of anger and upset is very tempting. However before you do, ask yourself the question… What do I hope to achieve here? More than likely, you want your partner to understand why they have annoyed or upset you and to come to a mutual reconciliation. The chances are pretty slim that they will come to this place of understanding while they are receiving the full blast of your anger and upset, fully unleashed in the moment.
Instead make the choice that will get you the best result. Common sense you may well say, however how often do we ignore it? Choose smart!
Look for a time to bring it up when your partner will be more receptive and choose your words wisely. Good communication involves using the best words and tone to express your point so the recipient will be more open and receptive. This way you are much more likely to achieve the outcome you want and build a stronger connection in your relationship.
So next time you feel an overwhelming desire to act when you are angry or upset, stop, do yourself a huge favour and ask the question…. What do I want to achieve here? What is my desired outcome?
This is the best way to be most effective and to achieve the outcomes you want.
Sounds too good to be true?